My child is having a hard time; how we shift our thinking in conscious parenting
My child is having a hard time
I want you to remember the last time you had a tough moment.
Maybe it was yesterday when the kids were fighting. Or the other day at work when you felt overwhelmed. Or last night when you felt worried about the future, or sad about missing out on another activity because of Covid.
Being human means feeling the full range of emotions, including fear and anger and discomfort sometimes.
This is one of the important perspective shifts we make in conscious parenting—allowing all the emotions, including the uncomfortable ones.
Equally important, we learn to take back responsibility for our own feelings and needs, and not blame them on our kids or our partners or the world.
This is a subtle shift, but very powerful, because it puts the locus of control back in our court.
We no longer need to wait for the stars to align and the children to behave any particular way in order for us to be the peaceful, thoughtful parents we want to be. We can respond thoughtfully and peacefully no matter what. We can choose the type of parents we are in any moment, regardless of how others are behaving.
Let me give you a powerful example of this perspective shift in conscious parenting.
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My child is having a meltdown. I start out believing “my child is GIVING me a hard time,” which makes my child’s behavior about me. When I believe my child is GIVING me a hard time—this creates a judgement in my mind that my child is poorly behaved, and I am a bad parent.
With conscious parenting, I change my perspective to “my child is HAVING a hard time,” which makes the behavior about them, and what they are feeling and needing in that moment. When I shift and believe my child is having a hard time—I can problem solve creatively about what they might be feeling and needing in order to feel better. I reach for connection and empathy for their suffering, instead of judgment.
When my child is GIVING me a hard time—I feel triggered. Why are they torturing me? Why are they naughty? Why am I a bad parent?
By contrast, when I believe my child is having a hard time, I feel more regulated, more empowered to look for solutions to help solve a problem. I am able to remain peaceful and calm.
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We all have tough times occasionally, children and adults. This is part of the full human experience, once we allow ourselves to feel all our emotions. However, when I blame others for my feelings and needs, including my children, I become a victim who is powerless. By contrast, when I take responsibility for my own feelings and needs, I take back control and can choose how I want to be as a parent.
Even when my child is having a hard time.
