Why children don't listen--especially in peaceful households
One reason children don't listen, especially in peaceful households, is they may be believe we have made a REQUEST when really we have made a DEMAND.
Let me explain the difference and how we as parents may be confusing our kids, especially in peaceful households.
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A REQUEST is giving the child a choice to do something or not.
Requests sound like:
“Do you want to play outside?”
“Would you be willing to read to your brother?”
“Do you want to wear your sweater or coat?”
With a requests, either yes or no are acceptable answers.
In contrast, a DEMAND requires compliance. These are things we expect to happen. These might be safety issues, or related to important family values like contribution and cooperation.
“Buckle your seat belt, so we can go.”
“No hitting.”
“I need your help putting away groceries.”
In these examples, there is no choice to drive unbuckled, to hit others, or not to contribute with household chores. We expect compliance, and our clear language helps to communicate this.
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Where peaceful parents especially get into trouble, is when we talk like our child has a choice when they don't--then we get upset when they don't do what we want.
Some examples of confusing language:
1.) “Can you please pick up your toys?” sounds like the child has a choice. If I am expecting compliance and cooperation, a more clear statement would be: “It’s time to pick up your toys before we go upstairs.”
2.) “Can you set the table?” sounds the child has a choice whether they help or not. If I am expecting help, a more clear statement would be: “I need you to set the table now please.”
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One reason this may happen is because, as peaceful parents, subconsciously, we may feel uncomfortable setting boundaries. We may be uncomfortable forcing our child to do something, so we soften the boundaries with ambiguous language that confuses when we are making a demand and when we are making a request.
But setting boundaries is critical and empowering for peaceful parents—not something to feel badly about.
If you are having trouble setting boundaries, or wondering why your children aren't listening to you, first be sure you are communicating clearly. Second, reach out for help. There are great communication tools you can use to become more comfortable communicating, and reap the benefits of more cooperation and peace in your home.
